My dad, my rock ....
My youngest years, I spent with you. Sharing and caring, loving, being angry, being hurt and upset, Christmas and birthdays, we shared together. Time passed, as I passed from being a child to a teenager. Problems at home, a divorce and a changed life. Still, we shared, on a sort-off way.
Time changed me from a teenager to a young lady, and our lives drifted apart. You had a new wife, I got married and had a child of my own. I missed you dad, whished that you where there to see my little baby girl, to still share and care.
Time changed us both. My little girl became a teenager, I aged, and you, my rock, changed. We made our peace, became close and started sharing, birthdays became special again, and you loved my little girl.
We visited you, spent weekends and holidays together, and made plans for you to come and share our home. The great excitement of knowing that you will be a solid part of my life again. Big plans were made, ideas flew all over the air, telephone calls as the day approached that we would come and fetch you to share our home.
Thursday night the alarm was set, and we went to bed.
I woke from the telephone ringing. I could not understand who would be phoning me that early in the morning. I jumped out of bed, thinking it was you dad that was phoning me. To my horror, I noticed that my alarm clock was flashing. We had a power failure during the night! I raced to the phone, and my world collapsed.
My brother .... Sis, dad died last night. My rock had died? No way. He was strong, alive and waiting for me to fetch him. It did not hit home, not yet. I, along with my world, went very quiet. It hit home. At 6 in the morning, I heard the news ... "Dad has died".
I have vague memories of the next hour, other that crying. I knew I had to make the drive, go there, and see for myself. And I did make the drive, all 7 hours of it, by myself.
Driving along, a million thoughts crossed my mind. What happened? Why now? How? I was confused, sad, not able to rationalise what had happened. I was angry with God, but there were no answers to the questions. My dad, dead? No way. I was so very sure that there had been an identity mistake.
The road seemed to take forever. Eventually, I arrived, finding the police all over the place, the bakery was filled with people. I asked what was happening, where my dad was.
Auto pilot was still in full force, I operated without thinking. I knew I had to go to the morgue, someone had to identify this man that they said was my dad. Reality had not hit home yet.
I was ultra OK, until I saw. I saw his favourite shirt, the bit of hair that I had just teased him about on Monday night, I KNEW that there was no identity mistake, I KNEW that I had lost the most important man I could ever have in my life. He was no more ... he would never be again, not as I had known him.
Papers signed, bakery closed up, and a long night ahead, filled with no sleep, just so many question and no answers. And the long road home the next day. Driving gave me the opportunity to try and make sense of all of this. My dad committed suicide. He went the day before, paid for everything that needed paying, and then took an overdose of heart tablets.
My world fell apart. How could you dad, how could you take something this precious and special away from those that love you? You will never see another sunrise, you will never hear your granddaughter laugh, or see her smile. And you so adored her, as she adored you. You have robbed her of your love, your acceptance, of the privilege of having a grandpa to share things with, you have left her poorer for not having your wisdom, all of you. You have robbed her dad ...
And you have robbed me of my father, you have robbed me of the emotional rock that I knew you had always been, you have taken away from me, more than what I can ever try and explain.
It has been 12 years my dad, and I still miss you. I miss fishing with you, I miss hearing you call me Sweetheart, and I miss hearing you shout at me for giving you a fright with a tiny little frog ... I miss so many things about you dad, but most of all I miss you ... I love you dad ...
And dad, although I will never know why ... It is ok, cause you are my dad, and my dad only did good and right things. You had your reasons, and although I will never understand, it is OK ...
